hilarysaurus rex (pinkjezebel) wrote,
hilarysaurus rex

apparently i update these days?

over the past few months my grandmother has called me up after seeing me for the sole purpose of saying something nice two times. the first time was to tell me she really liked my hair. and just now she called to tell me that my new tv, which she saw for the first time today was amazing. which might seem silly but i babbled to everyone about how i excited i was when i first bought it so it was really sweet of her.

i'm perplexed by this. normally it takes coaching to get compliments from her because it's just not in her nature, i can be the same way. our regular banter normally involves petty jabs at each other for the lolz. we interact more like sisters than anything else.

so why all of a sudden is she going out of her way to be nice to me? don't get me wrong, i fucking love it. it made my day both times it happened.

it's just that i don't cope well with not understanding something. i'm a compulsive problem-solver.

my initial reaction is to assume she wants to make sure i feel really good about myself and know she loves me because she thinks she's going to die soon. this is a pretty irrational assumption.

i'm just very paranoid when it comes to her well-being. i've dealt with a lot of death in my life but losing her will be like losing a mom, dad, grandmother and best friend all at once. i don't know that i'll ever be ready for it. at one point i decided i should get married solely for the purpose of making it easier to cope with her death. you don't have to tell me how ridiculous that is. but you do have to admit that it's damn practical.

this entry started out on such a high note and ended pretty depressingly. i don't know what my deal is. but the fact that i haven't slept since 11am yesterday morning and the adderall i took this morning might be involved, just a hunch.
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