i'm perplexed by this. normally it takes coaching to get compliments from her because it's just not in her nature, i can be the same way. our regular banter normally involves petty jabs at each other for the lolz. we interact more like sisters than anything else.
so why all of a sudden is she going out of her way to be nice to me? don't get me wrong, i fucking love it. it made my day both times it happened.
it's just that i don't cope well with not understanding something. i'm a compulsive problem-solver.
my initial reaction is to assume she wants to make sure i feel really good about myself and know she loves me because she thinks she's going to die soon. this is a pretty irrational assumption.
i'm just very paranoid when it comes to her well-being. i've dealt with a lot of death in my life but losing her will be like losing a mom, dad, grandmother and best friend all at once. i don't know that i'll ever be ready for it. at one point i decided i should get married solely for the purpose of making it easier to cope with her death. you don't have to tell me how ridiculous that is. but you do have to admit that it's damn practical.
this entry started out on such a high note and ended pretty depressingly. i don't know what my deal is. but the fact that i haven't slept since 11am yesterday morning and the adderall i took this morning might be involved, just a hunch.